I announced my pregnancy to both families at 20 weeks. If you see that most of your husbands income is given away to his parents for the upkeep of their home and you are left struggling with the finances at the end of the month, then it becomes really frustrating. Set the boundary early and often that a prerequisite to being included in family events is a zero-tolerance policy for racism. But, is it my place (as a family member) and what would I say if I did take them aside? I don't even care if they were friends. These arguments have caused us to have days to where we hardly speak, days where I don't want to even talk to him because he is just pissy because he's holding a grudge. Theres only one issue: Hes poly and Im not. My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. He read this thread and didn't say anything for a few minutes. But Im tired of being grilled about all of our life choices and the timing of revealing them. All rights reserved. I just didnt expect them to change quite this much. The above was just an example. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. I know this because she has made comments to my husband like that in the past. As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. Help! You dont just make the do not invite list for no reason. 3 He's Making You Jealous. Or should I demand he focus on our marriage? That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. I hope it continues to go well. I may be one of few, but I didnt have a bridal shower. Even when she has said things that could be considered rude, I have just held my tongue. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. A: Thank you for simply revealing your pregnancy and not having a gender reveal party. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. And when I am ready, how do I tell my co-workers and clients? They are still texting everyday and I feel like a third wheel to whatever this friendship is. Im worried about him, although during the day hes one of the happiest people Ive ever met. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. We married when I was 31 and my wife was 29. As I previously asked, whats next, the baby-making party? A quick Google search pulled up the following results and many others: Ads Explain Why Animals Shouldnt Be Given as Gifts, Why You Shouldnt Give Puppies As Gifts This Christmas, Puppies are long-term commitments, not last-minute gifts, This Holiday Season, Remember: A Puppy Is NOT a Present.. MedHelp is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. Whenever possible, speak to your in-laws directly. Tell your husband you are happy to apologize when youre in the wrong. Should I Use It. My husband Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. Worried About His Female Friends Well, I'm glad that you two have found the same page to be on. defends When Your Husband Defends Another Woman - 6 Things To Do I'm upset with my husband getting mad at me for anything. I want the truth, the person asking says, but if you tell me the truth, I will shame or judge or abandon you. This happened in my family, although the racist relative was not an immediate family member. My son and daughter-in-law had professional engagement photos taken, numerous bridal showers, a wedding followed by a reception, professional maternity photos taken, a gender revealing party, a baptism, professional family portraits, and a first birthday party. Goodnight and I will post in the morning in case anyone is interested. Both families were told at the same time. She answered back, Well, whatever. Since then, my husbands family has been distancing themselves from me. My boyfriend invited his ex-wife over for dinner. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. A: I think its pretty well known that you are not supposed to give animals as presents. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. But ultimatums dont do muchthey might seem to resolve the dilemma, but often they simply drive the real issue underground. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. It annoyed him, I agreed with him and said I don't understand why she did it to that extreme either and he got mad at me. Because they are new to the household, women rely on their husband for protection. Babies and in-Laws: Due to the economy and the price of real estate in our area, my husband, myself and our almost 4-year-old child are currently living with my parents, renting their basement while we save up for a down payment for a place of our own. You are welcome dear. No worries about the "slamming" comment/joke etc. :<)) I did refer to the word "slam" in my initial post because I didn't wan As you get more used to the break, you can add down the road, Sadly, he and I have separated. Trying to be kind: My best friends mother died a couple months ago following a long cancer battle. Why does my husband get so defensive about his family? It doesnt sound like you need psychological counseling, just a better system for making financial decisions. He especially hates it when I say anything about the releationship his mother has with his ex-wife. Sometimes theres no ideal time to have a child, but its the right thing to do anyway. It might make sense to talk to at least a few other people who are recovering alcoholics to hear about how they handle these situations, and learn about whether and why they see value in being open about their reasons. Never disrespect your wife by talking negatively about her to another woman. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. Since it has been quite some time since I went through these rituals, I expected them to change. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. Hug, hold hands, often. However, recently we have been having a lot of disagreements surrounding the topic of female friends. I don't understand it and I've had it!! We specialize in fabricating residential and commercial HVAC custom ductwork to fit your home or business existing system. You tell as much as youre ready. Our shop is equipped to fabricate custom duct transitions, elbows, offsets and more, quickly and accurately with our plasma cutting system. i agr.ee with ( specialmom )just focus on him .Forget the rest. All this is to say, maybe your husband is crossing a line and not telling you, or maybe hes not and your demands are simply pushing him away. We want both of our families to celebrate with us but are concerned about how my future FIL will behave toward the POC members of my side of the family, so much so that we havent announced our engagement to anyone yet. I am all for maintaining family harmony (and hanging in there to support my sister), which is why I have kept silent, but Im at the point where I want to give her all this information and let the chips fall where they may. Let me say upfront that what Im about to suggest in no way condones your husbands dishonesty; lies chip away at trust, eventually eroding it altogether. He would tell me that he doesnt wanna hurt her feelings, which made me feel less than. My sister And he was like this before he was believed to have dementia! This is a reality many married women face in India. Should I? If you dont like it, why you try cooking next time? but thats it. Her husband is part (or the cause) of the problem. 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You And dont let another woman dishonor her husband by complaining to you. Sometimes MOM is the leader of the pack and whether he thinks it's right or wrong he will stand up for his own. does that make sense? Good morning - Well I brought it up last night and at first it did not go well. He completely denied there was even an issue. Denied he gets upset, Our commenting guidelines can be found here. Not being racistor keeping those thoughts in your headis not a lot to ask. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Then if a further diagnosis is needed, he needs to see a sleep specialist. You should tell herbut once hes out of the hospital and his health is stable. Please try again. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. Be kind and polite, but firm. Q. WebMy (20F) boyfriend (21M) and I cant seem to agree on our boundaries with female friends. So I think you should let your husband fully experience hisalone. Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage, Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips, 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage, 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents, The 7 Ways Mothers-In-Law Ruin Marriages With Tips On How To Save Yours, Distancing Yourself From In-Laws The 7 Tips That Almost Always Work, 8 Effective Ways To Deal With A Jealous Daughter-In-Law, How To Talk To Your Husband When The Other Woman Is His Mother, How To Impress Your In-laws In The First Meeting, 10 Thoughts That Come To Your Mind When Your Mother-In-Law Visits You, 10 Ways To Deal With Disrespectful In-laws, 15 Clever Ways To Deal With A Manipulative, Scheming Mother-In-Law, Please Dont Call Her Selfish If She Doesnt Want To Live With Her In-Laws, My Wife Was Abducted By Her Family Because I Was 15 Days Younger To Her, Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No-Fail Tips, My Marriage Was In Trouble Because Of My Sister-In-Laws Stories, 8 Signs of a Poisonous Mother-In-Law and 6 Ways to Beat Her at Her Game, How We Solved Interfaith Marriage Problems, Relationship with In-Laws: I was Scared of My Father-In-Law because. You really have gotten good advice above. What should I do? I am a 43-year-old man, and my wife is 41. You can sort out your feelings by talking. WebA male reader, DV1 +, writes (24 May 2007): If your husband isn't willing to go to bat for you, and defend your honor, you need to walk away right now. And when this line of defense fails, the first crack in the marriage appears. my husband defends his mother despite it Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question. Mine knows not to cross the line with my family either. Do not build resentment over this. Dont taunt him for being a mamas boy. Stay away from topics about sex, secrets, and struggles . The issue isn't about the ex, that was an example of what happened recently. All rights reserved. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. Theres a difference in a relationship between privacy (space that everyone needs in healthy relationships) and secrecy (which tends to be corrosive). My sister has been married to her emotionally and verbally abusive husband for 35 years. A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services. This brings me to your comment about if I have considered that maybe my MIL doesn't want problems, of course I have considered it and that is why I said I don't expect her to be rude or mean. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship are healthy and functional. To everyone - Londers,Brice,Tinnkker and especially you Specialmom, thanks for your advice. If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. If you want to create not just trust but closeness in your marriage, youll need to allow room for the truth by inviting it in. My MIL says she cannot stand my husbands ex and doesn't want to have anything to do with her so that is why I said what I said. OMG, i cannot type today! She may be too sunk into this mess to act, but sometimes an outsiders perspective can suddenly shine a mirror on a situation. But you do not want to spend sleepless nights debating whether to get a matching ottoman. Re: to Mean Girls: I was raised in a household like this, and sadly, this is the norm for these girls. While its not an ideal situation, (theres no kitchen or shower, so we have to share theirs), we get along pretty well for the most part. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. He is a disgusting human being. I have continued going to work because I dont want to sit at home and cry, but Im not ready to tell anyone, but my closest friends. I always politely decline, but Id really like it if he stopped. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. That's awesome. My husband gets angry whenever I say anything about his family. If you missed Part 1 of this weeks chatMy PE Teacher Shows Us Wildly Inappropriate Videos in Classclick hereto read it. That is not done. I have been on the receiving end of his outbursts numerous times and have been called the C-word during his tantrums. Why does my husband get so defensive about his family? - MedHelp As for the issue with his sister, he and I got in an arguement over his sister because I told him something she did that he needed to know because it affected other family members and in order for nothing to get out of hand he had to know. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. Q. We didnt want a religious wedding that could take longer, but my mother-in-law demanded it. I really want to say something to these children, not just for my cousins sake, but also because theyre becoming very mean girls. But ultimately, the decision is yours and anyone who needs a complete explanation to respect your wishes is not a good friend. She is always around, he tells her all their business, and on their date night he invited his sister to come along. A: Oh, goodness, this is way too close to the baby-making party! Should I let this happen? We had to buy a new couch to replace our old college dorm room couch and we spent over a month talking about it weighing the pros and cons. No one deserves to put up with his behavior. STIs are the most common cause of genital sores. Dear Abby: My husband is weirdly close to his sister - The Mercury What he is doing comes naturally to him. Q: Sister-in-Law Furious About When I Revealed My Pregnancy: My husbands sister thrives on being a passive-aggressive, attention-hogging know-it-all. Then next time you do eat at their house, you should feel free to be more direct to the girls. Never commented other than "I'm sorry, I don't know, hope it works out etc"I figured out I was always saying what he thought but I said it first. When Your Partner Takes Your MIL's Side | Alpha Mom I don't expect her to be mean or rude but she doesn't have to go out of her way with the hugs, kisses and I love yous to the ex-wife( she has been the ex-wife for 19 years). So, on top of everything, hes also grieving for a baby which may or may not have been his. I Have Intel on a Secret Vasectomy. Stop blaming him, it'll get you no where. Both my husband and I have agreed that if we dont have another child in the next two years or so, were probably not going to try for one after that point. What used to be nice, simple ceremonies have turned into much longer events. You have the right to make your own decisions. First he needs to check in with his internist and explain whats going on. I work in a large office where most people have known me through my entire relationship with my husband (seven years). At this point, I am tired of being treated like a heartless person because I do my best to stay away from him. I agree with you, Mom, that a return to contained and modest celebrations is to be much hoped for. But in dealing with his sister, everyone else is always in the wrong, and in this case you have nothing to be sorry for. i agr.ee with ( specialmom ) just focus on him .Forget the rest Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. But if they are essentially decent people, it will echo. Read Prudies Slate columns here. A: If youre in the middle of finding the best treatment for your bipolar disorder, the last thing you need is a relationship that makes you feel insecure and stressed. I'm not saying your mom this or that. My mother and I arent close so I didnt give in to what she wanted; however, I wanted to make my mother-in-law happy so we caved to whatever she wanted. I find it extremely difficult to be emotionally supportive when he wakes up at 3 a.m. crying and tremblingyet I dont have the heart to yell at him like I want to. A: Ah, no, the wedding is about the couple getting married. On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb. I'm tired of how things have been lately and I want it to stop. If I even express how I don't understand how his mom can be so friendly with his ex-wife he gets mad at me. I miss the days of one bridal shower, a ceremony in a church, and cake in the church basement. In addition, I hope he is independently wealthy, or has fantastically in-demand professional skills, because quitting his job over her death indicates hes gone off the deep end. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? Q. Because of this, it could well be that your husband is totally unaware that he is actually choosing you over his family. They've been married for 4 1/2 years, however, her husband and his sister are obsessed with each other. It could be that your husbands sister has some sort of personality disorder so everyone tiptoes around her in order to try and keep the peace. My But not before you give your mental health the attention it deserves. They didn't care that he didn't have any of his things with him, they just locked him out one night. I think I may show this thread to my husband. it sounds like you may have found common ground. That's awesome. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. That gives him th Hopefully, the LW can have an impact now, so these girls will not have a lot of regret later in life. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? Is this just the trend of celebrations now and I should go along with it? WebNo matter how much I expressed to him how uncomfortable I was with their friendship, he always defended her feelings over mine. Given the husbands contribution, it also sounds as if a malicious family dynamic is at play here: Martyr mom does everything for us, and in exchange she earns our contempt. That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. Feb 26, 20137:15 AM. He just denied everything. Should I? Maybe the ex is intimidating (always a leader that meets their match). What do I say when people ask me how Jim is doing? Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. So he listen to his mom. I just re-read my last comment. Frankly, I think this is celebration overload and, in its own way, detracts from the seriousness of these events. So you shouldnt have any trouble finding some talking points for the substance of your argument. Interestingly, while Ive known she exists as his colleague, he has never introduced me to her even though I know all of his other work friends.. Dear Therapist: My Husband You are the only one who understood what I was trying to say. The reason I know this is because he told me! But what my suggestion might do is help you see another way to move through this impasse and understand it better before you make any decisions about your marriage. My There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. As we have both grown up with no money, we have saved very penny we have earned and have a very nice savings account. Your mother is my friend, so just as I hope you would stick up for a friend who was being treated terribly, Im going to ask you to stop insulting her.. While my S.O. I know teenagers can be trying, but this behavior seems off the charts compared to other kids Ive known. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. She says nothing to defend herself; occasionally she might protest with a thats not nice but its very mild. Of course there are consequences to peoples behavior, but there are also consequences to creating an environment where it cant come to light. A: Im always going to vote for prioritizing the innocent nonracists over the racist. She tells him mom is 1st then your wife. Most recent situation which I mentioned above. It's supposed to say "Despite it does bother me how my MIL has been acting with my husband ex after what she is done, I'm mad about how my husband react when I say anything even if it's when I'm siding with hi. His parents would be heartbroken if we dont invite his dad, but neither of us want to ask that my family endure his remarks, even padded with His mind is slipping and he says hateful things sometimes. I fear we wont be able to have the big wedding we planned on but Ive never encountered this situation before so I dont know if Im missing an obvious solution that would afford us a family event, or if well have to elope or just bite the bullet and ban him from the festivities. There is NO malice intended. Q. Celebration Overload: I have three sons in their late 20s and early 30s. I imagine they are encouraged to speak to their mother harshly, and sadly, it becomes a bonding point with their father. My husband says I should apologize and just let his sisters comment go. Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. I received a scathing email from my sister-in-law recently demanding to know why I wouldnt tell her family for 20 weeks. First, you need to ask and answer the kinds of questions I mentioned above while giving each other the space to be honest with yourselves and each other. Who knows. Ive always had a bit of an inferiority complex, and I fear that he likes this guy better than me. This is not just a problem that is going to occur at your weddingthere are going to be birthday parties, graduations, etc. Husband Lets His Family Disrespect Me (4 Things To Do So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? He recently got a new boyfriend (Im a guy as well), and I cant stop myself from being insecure. I can tell, though, that shes hurt by these remarks. A: I agree. Next time you know youll be in town, tell your cousin she needs a night off and youd like to take her out to a restaurant for a chance to get some adult time.