Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. In *that* sense, I think there can be a legit question about when you can gracefully bow out of a work trip, and when you have to stick it out and go. Like AAM said it is mostly conference rooms and exhaustion afterword. I do think theres a shadow of a legit work question in there, in terms of when/if its okay to refuse work-related travel. Theyre both controlled, predictable corporate environments that can provide controlled, predictable hospitality services, often at a price affordable enough to attract business conferences. You just reminded me that a lot of Mormon fundamentalist families live in the suburbs of Vegas because people dont bother polygamist families out there like they do in Utah. She thought surely I would be kidnapped in the dark parking lot. Food! Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. The duration of the vacation. When your income is needed, you can take fewer risks by opting out of stuff at work. I'm lucky that she slept for most of the trip, but you can't assume that a 3 month old will sleep for 14 hours. Por qu se separ Tania Rincn de su esposo? Good luck and enjoy the trip. Two birds one stone! We specifically took any kind of obey language out of our vows. My jaw literally dropped. Meanwhile their actual problem is almost ignored. And my husband was completely fine with it. I also suggest that he seeks out personal therapy. Hes been working through them and he was much better during my last work trip. Its so much more tame than it once was. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. It made no sense. I suspect that insecurity over her being the primary breadwinner has a lot to do with it (deeply ingrained social conceptions are still a thing). Super reasonable! husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Everyone he talks to agrees with him. Well, first of all, they dont. Once when I ended things with a guy Id been dating, he called me a few days later and said hed taken a poll of his friends and they all agreed I didnt have real cause to break up with him so we should resume things. Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. Its fine. Actually, it would be easy for my husband to find someone who shares these views. ), I also watched CSI for a lot of years, and on one of my trips to Vegas I stayed off-strip in a cheap hotel because I was trying to save money. I see wholesome as suitable for minors and conservative folks, so yeah, sex work isnt that. You also really have to go because youre the primary breadwinner in the family. Hes a great husband who is loving & shows affection in many was. This is the exact opposite of what youre suggesting, Ramona. There is no one in his family who lives near us. It makes me uneasy and I dont want to let her go. Ill wait. OK! Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? Huh. I stayed once at Palms Place, the long-term stay part of the Palms that is set up like studio apartments with full kitchens. It ended up taking us 16 hours, but I didn't think it was bad at all. This is a pretty classic controlling partner move. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. Your husband going on vacation without you is normal. How does he handle that? (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. And so on. (also +1000 to RabbitRabbit for anxiety manifesting as control theyre not necessarily separate). This isnt a man with an anxiety problem. If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. Honestly, it feels awful. -03-2022, 0 Comments (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. If it's something you really want to do, then I'm sure you can make it work, but it won't be easy. simple path graph example; tahoe blue vodka costco; emt patient assessment cheat sheet pdf Alternar men. What is wrong with people? Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. That doesnt seem fair! Maybe hes an abusive dick. My husband wants to bring his mother on our European vacation. I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? And its great he enjoys the time alone, we get to talk about interesting stuff weve both done when I get back, we both get time to decompress in ways which benefit us the most. Vegas is a perfectly lovely city where people raise families and everything!! Is a 4 day trip to Vegas worth loosing a 10 yrs relationship. Me: Um, what now? You cant leave the house, there are kidnappers everywhere! I wonder if he needs help with general anxiety rather than marriage counselling. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? Its a constant negotiation and balancing act. Its like he thinks Vegas exists in some parallel universe with different logic and laws of physical, and that upon landing in Vegas all of his wifes usual behavioral norms and all concern for her life beyond Vegas will simply evaporate. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. Its adult Disneyland with spendy big-name restaurants, booze and slot machines, at this point. As Allison said, people travel for work all the time. Note however, I dont think this excuses the employees OR means that its wrong to have a corporate event in Vegas. And, in those cases both parties may need to adjust their behavior and / or way that they communicate. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. My mom is the same way. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. Mom freaked out, but fortunately for me, my Dad was there to help and reassure her AND wed had enough family counseling after my teenage years that I knew how to set boundaries. An ex of mine and I were trying to be friends; he told me about a date he went on and I gave him my opinion (that he treated this woman like crap) and he was basically all, Nuh-unh! Go on the trip, do not jeopardize that job, youll need it when you come to your senses and get rid of this guy. I think that marriage counseling is the right way to go. Actually the cigarette smoke present in many buildings is the biggest turn off for me about Vegas. Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. This. It was BAD. The only people who would have a problem with visiting Las Vegas would be someone who has never been there! There are plenty of restaurants and even the pickiest co-workers can settle on a dinner location. I should also note. Yeah, cheating is a pretty terrible thing to accuse a partner of without any basis, and personally is an immediate dealbreaker for me. Hes my partner, not my parent, not my keeper, and Im still a grown ass adult who gets to decide what I do with my life. This captures so much of what anxiety sufferers like my wife go through and what spouses like myself have to find a way to work through with their partner. She would step into the hallway during the conference and ask what he wanted, and he would say he wanted to make sure she was where she was supposed to be. We are leaving Saturday for a vacation on Florida. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. I probably filled up that Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom with $100 worth of water during my stay. seriously. Many manage to avoid devil-worshipping sex orgy kidnapping extravaganzas for almost the entire year. Me too!.which is probably why Im not married ;). OP, only you can make the choice about whether this marriage is worth staying in. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. When I lived in Tokyo, articles would occasionally pop up in the U.S. media describing a particular neighborhood as an adult playground where foreigners fell victim to crimes, and well-meaning relatives would forward them to me with a warning to stay away from here, LOL.. Good luck and please update us! What happens in Vegas was a successful ad campaign that ran its course a long time ago, not a requirement for how to treat the trip. I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. couch their controlling tendencies as worry and concern, because they know their victims will want to soothe and appease them, because they are just super nice worry-wart spouses who just really, truly, are so *concerned*. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. But refusing to participate in the arguments and the anxiety spirals by hanging up and walking out saved my relationship with both my parents in the long-term. Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. You get into a state of physical arousal (sweating, shaking, racing heart, fast breathing, etc) and it often gives you a screaming headache, roiling tummy, and makes you irritable and prone to tears. I wonder if OPs husband has watched too much CSI? It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Just in case. But a positive first encounter with a therapist can change that, because, you know, therapists are trained to defuse and help unpack their misconceptions. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! You can get really great meals there. Yeah, I hate having that thought, but that was exactly where my mind went he is freaking out because he thinks OP is going to do what he did. I loved the weird, entertaining shows on the street, the warm evenings, the bustle and cheer. We were in that stage of "dating" where we wanted to do everything together, only he didn't fly and didn't really enjoy travel. This. The same concerns would translate for a man. I thought his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. So give yourself permission to stop trying, OP. You should protect your son! She wrote: His main objection is the fact that the trip is located in Las Vegas. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. When I was a teen, she wouldnt even let me walk the dog around our boring, gated community if it was dark out. My feeling is that hes coming up with post-facto, emotionally triggering justifications for something that has absolutely no basis in any rational apprehension of reality. Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. That may be an overreaction, but something clearly isnt working between you two, and he sounds emotionally abusive. Sorry, that isnt useful. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. You just cant. In fact, Ive been on more trips without my partner than I have with him! OP take care of you first. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. He got anxious when I went to San Diego only because it was near the Mexican border, but gee whiz. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. Immediate marriage counseling is required and if he wont go, see a counselor yourself. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. Did he not get the memo thats not how dating works. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. Meanwhile, Im building a scene in my head where shes been kidnapped and terrible things are happening to her. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). And I asked to go but thats out of the question. Wow. That is the problem. I think the conversation is worth having. If yes, how does he handle those trips? Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . And nobody is reasonably going to crazy drug orgies where they might be at risk, during a work event. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. I ate at the bars of a few nice restaurants. Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! Hes already proven himself to be irrational, I think his presence will not help LW even a little. Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. Oh, god, me too! This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. This makes a lot of sense, and I think its a good strategy. However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. It got dark on my (2-hour!) I also am a pretty straight laced married woman whos been in the same committed relationship for two decades and most of those trips were without my partner. My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. Its like a bachelor/bachelorette people think they have a free pass because of the occasion and act way more out of line than they would at, say, a bridal shower. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. Not because marriage counseling is likely to stop the abuse you are right, it wont. My *70 year-old* cousins house. We have a beach house and are splitting the expenses. I knew a woman who was very sincerely pious and churchgoing and lived her Christian values. Could also be a mix of the two, or something nobody has thought of yet. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. I would be surprised if it were anything more than a coincidence, but I think that reading that letter/advice/comments could be beneficial for this OP to see how it would likely be perceived if she did refuse to take the trip at her husbands behest. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. But it could be so many other things as well. I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. But don't worry, Daisy. I agree with your husband .. Go on the business trip, set and hold firm limits with him (i.e., if you want to call him at 9 each night, great, but thats it. Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. He was jealous and controlling before we got engaged. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. Eating a meal? Its like the person who tried to quit, and their boss polls the other managers and then tells employee that the other managers all agree, employee does not have a good enough reason to quit. He can express an opinion at most. Friend: Uh-huh. Is he jealous he cant go with you? P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. I do think its a leap to assume the husbands anxiety is the kind you get in GAD, but basically the comments are full of armchair diagnoses and I was exasperated. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. Possibly the same people who dont think they should ever be in a one-on-one meeting or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). Create an account or log in to participate. . Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. Youre obviously free to disagree, but I think its archaic and not okay. (Gendering the partners here solely for the purpose of clarity and conciseness. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? I had a meeting at a school outside of the city and a friend was shocked that there are elementary schools there. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. Dude she failed to mention that she hid pictures of her with mail strippers and lied about it and when I seen what pictures she showed me she dressed up better than she ever dresses at home. I think if OPs husband was acting reasonably, this would be a good solution. However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. I just caught that you were the main provider in your home. Bookings are open for June, July, and August family vacations in 2023, with per person prices starting at $3,699. Echoing this. That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. He may be social with neighbors and coworkers, but hes not a friendly guy. Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. OPs husband sounds like my mom. By contrast, I spent a week this summer at a conference in a not-doing-so-well midwestern city. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. Sometimes, when a spouse accuses you of cheating out of thin air, its because they themselves are cheating, and now they see it everywhere else as a coping mechanism for justifying their own behavior. Its a lot less horrendous than deglove, whats the issue? I have the same problem and have since I was a child. :-). Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. If he refuses because everyone who goes to Vegas becomes adulterous instantly and HE doesnt want that to happen to HIM then you have a completely different issue from he refuses to let her go at all because He Said So. Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Either way, the poster is mimicking them in an exaggerated way in order to make them appear more foolish and unreasonable than they would if portrayed accurately. A dancer charged a bunch of stuff on my credit card. (sees where incident happened) Or maybe, you bought 10 bottles of Cristal for strippers and then panicked when your accounting department asked for a receipt? Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. Oh thats my mothers thing, too. I agree with Allison I think marriage counseling may be a good think to look into. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. Im not so sure its abuse, to be honest. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. The next step absolutely should be counseling, but I dont know that its fair for us to fault the OP for not making it the first step, you know? Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. They may not all work for you, but I hope that at least some will be helpful. But, OP, please take a hard look at your husband and his normal conduct. If I squint really hard, I can kiiiinda see the objection to the first scenario (though still not really), but objecting to the second is very weird. It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. I dont think hed bring up that the majority of people he asked thought he was wrong. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. Your level of trust in him. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. What do you think of the trip? Some women even LIVE in Las Vegas! It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. The difference is it wasnt that he didnt trust ME, or that he was worried about me getting drawn into some sinful situation. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. I call him every day to give him some reassurance that Im fine, and that helps. Marriage counseling is the only way you save this. Most of the shows arent appealing, either, and theyre almost all too expensive. OP, go on the trip. Especially if you think it is an anxiety-stemming thing, instead of a control-stemming thing. I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. As someone in the convention industry, Vegas puts a LOT of effort into being a top convention destination (low cost, lots of large all-in-one spaces, lots of options for event entertainment), and pretty much every industry will have events that rotate through there. He is obviously in distress, and rational or not, that is a bigger problem than just whether OP should go on her business trip. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. Its possible that thats part of it given the cheating aspect, but the worried the worst would happen is a very, very common anxiety symptom called catastrophizing. He is unable to let go of these thoughts on his own, they are interfering with his and his spouses quality of life, so he needs some help. From the outside, his train of thought is totally irrational. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. Bonus was that the skills I learned translate to my professional and personal life *every day*. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcomo llegar a los alpes franceses husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Lastly, there are some religious communities where it would be fairly normal for the husband not to let the wife travel, and for worries about infidelity to be one of the main reasons why.